How Can Therapists Help Couples Recover from Infidelity?: An Interview with Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem

Nov 21, 2022

How Can Therapists Help Couples Recover from Infidelity?: An Interview with Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem

Curt and Katie interview Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, Psy.D, LMFT about System Affair Recovery Treatment (SART) and how therapists can better address infidelity in treatment. We discuss what therapists usually get wrong when working with infidelity, the difference between typical couples counseling and affair recovery, and why infidelity happens. We also look at the SART Model as well as tactics and treatment teaming.

Transcripts for this episode will be available at mtsgpodcast.com!

An Interview with Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT

Award-winning marriage counselor and researcher, Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem is recognized as a leading expert in the field of infidelity counseling. He is the author of the acclaimed book, Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing that Could Happen to Your Marriage, and the founder of the Infidelity Counseling Center. His research interests and clinical work are focused on identifying the causes of infidelity and providing the best treatment for recovery from its impact. He developed Systematic Affair Recovery Therapy (SART) ™, a method of infidelity counseling that has helped hundreds of couples navigate the challenges of the healing journey from affairs. Dr. Alsaleem is an international lecturer and speaker. His engaging talks have helped many counselors broaden their understanding of infidelity and gain the necessary clinical tools to help their clients recover from affairs. Learn more at TalalAlsaleem.com.

In this podcast episode, we talk about Infidelity

We explore with Dr. Talal Alsaleem what good infidelity counseling can look like and what therapists often get wrong when approaching this type of therapy.

What do therapists get wrong when working with infidelity?

“Infidelity is really one of the most prevalent issues that couples face and it's one of the most damaging, but it's mind boggling to me that in this day and age as trained professionals, were so ill equipped to deal with it.” – Dr. Talal Alsaleem

Not understanding the goal of infidelity counseling
Lack of clear clinical expectations
Getting too focused on the emotional expression
Bias and lack of knowledge
Lack of adequate training in graduate programs and internship sites
Lack of understanding the etiology of the affair

What is different between couples counseling and affair recovery?

Strategy
Length of session
Importance of each intervention

Why does infidelity happen?

Can be either individual or relationship factors
Unhappiness within the relationship is not the only reason
Individual mental health issues, including personality disorders
Addiction including hypersexuality
Environmental factors, including jobs, gender ratios
Differentiating polyamory from infidelity
Social contracts and understanding and honoring the relationship

What is the Systemic Affair Recovery Treatment (SART) Model?

“So in their quest to understand why the infidelity happened, we have to accept that the unfaithful is 100% responsible for the decision that they make for being unfaithful. So even in the worst case scenario, whether there was a huge relationship deficit, and you have the worst partner in the universe, that doesn't give you permission to cheat, you can take them to counseling, you can end the relationship before you cross those lines.” – Dr. Talal Alsaleem

Seven milestones with clinical objectives and interventions
Setting the stage for healing
Getting the narrative of the affair
Acknowledging the impact of the affair
Choosing a path of recovery (individual or within the relationship)
Creating an action plan
Implementation
Sustainability
Infidelity can be the “best worst thing” that happens because you directly address what has happened

What are some of the tactics for healing infidelity and rebuilding a relationship?

“I don't think that transparency is only needed when somebody discovers infidelity. I really think in a healthy relationship, there shouldn't be any secrets.” – Dr. Talal Alsaleem

Transparency or surveillance does not equate to trust (it’s a tool or a means to an end)
How much needs to change and how much will the unfaithful will agree to
When the unfaithful can’t cut out the person with whom they’ve had an affair
Helping the betrayed partner to stop rumination

Treatment teaming while working on affair recovery

Informed consent and making sure there is full access to individual therapists
Open lines of communication to make sure all therapists are on the same page
EMDR and Brainspotting are recommended to address trauma response of the betrayed partner

Our Generous Sponsor for this episode of the Modern Therapist’s Survival Guide:

Thrizer

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Thrizer lets you become more accessible while remaining in complete control of your practice. A better experience for your clients during therapy means higher retention. Money won't be the reason they quit on therapy. Sign up using bit.ly/moderntherapists if you want to test Thrizer completely risk free! Sign up for Thrizer with code 'moderntherapists' for 1 month of no credit card fees or payment processing fees! That’s right - you will get one month of no payment processing fees, meaning you earn 100% of your cash rate during that time.

Resources for Modern Therapists mentioned in this Podcast Episode:

We’ve pulled together resources mentioned in this episode and put together some handy-dandy links. Please note that some of the links below may be affiliate links, so if you purchase after clicking below, we may get a little bit of cash in our pockets. We thank you in advance!
Talal’s website: www.TalalAlsaleem.com

Dr. Talal Alsaleem on Facebook

Dr. Talal Alsaleem on Twitter

Dr. Talal Alsaleem on LinkedIn

Dr. Talal Alsaleem on YouTube

YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR THE SIGNED BOOK DRAWINGS IN THE SHOW NOTES OVER ON MTSGPODCAST.COM!

Relevant Episodes of MTSG Podcast:

Understanding Polyamory: An interview with Dana McNeil, LMFT

Sex and Shame: An interview with Eliza Boquin, LMFT

Let’s Talk About Sex: An interview with Liz Dube, LMFT

Small Town Sex Therapist: An interview with Jeannette Tolson, LCSW

What is Parental Alienation and How Can Therapists Successfully Treat It?

Who we are:

Curt Widhalm, LMFT

Curt Widhalm is in private practice in the Los Angeles area. He is the cofounder of the Therapy Reimagined conference, an Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University and CSUN, a former Subject Matter Expert for the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, former CFO of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and a loving husband and father. He is 1/2 great person, 1/2 provocateur, and 1/2 geek, in that order. He dabbles in the dark art of making "dad jokes" and usually has a half-empty cup of coffee somewhere nearby. Learn more at: www.curtwidhalm.com

Katie Vernoy, LMFT

Katie Vernoy is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, coach, and consultant supporting leaders, visionaries, executives, and helping professionals to create sustainable careers. Katie, with Curt, has developed workshops and a conference, Therapy Reimagined, to support therapists navigating through the modern challenges of this profession. Katie is also a former President of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In her spare time, Katie is secretly siphoning off Curt's youthful energy, so that she can take over the world. Learn more at: www.katievernoy.com

A Quick Note:

Our opinions are our own. We are only speaking for ourselves – except when we speak for each other, or over each other. We’re working on it.

Our guests are also only speaking for themselves and have their own opinions. We aren’t trying to take their voice, and no one speaks for us either. Mostly because they don’t want to, but hey.